Blog #66: Two Goals

Although India has very much been a break from my self-induced nonstop obligation-filled life back home, the time has begun to ease myself back into that reality, or at least a version of it. As I am attempting to find a home in Chicago for my summer internship, navigate travel plans, and line up scholarship/grad school applications and tests, I have begun to feel the pressures of my life back home set in.

As exciting as this is in many ways- an internship I'm really looking forward to! beginning my senior year of college! visiting new and beautiful places!- there are elements of stress and anxiety that accompany this without compromise. Traveling means finding money to do so, a summer internship in Chicago means finding a place to live there for two months, graduating college means figuring out plans for after graduation. These are unavoidable things that must be figured out. As I told Sarah today, they're the non-negotiables.

But, as Sarah pointed out, there are an even larger number of negotiable items that I can give up in order to reduce the stress or obligations in my life. Beyond just this, it's possible to address the non-negotiables in a less daunting way.

As I'm sitting here trying to map out the rest of my career and then the rest of my life as a means of 'figuring out post-graduation plans,' Sarah suggested I simply find what is truly interesting me at this stage in my life and pursue that. If it changes later on, I can adjust my plans accordingly. Yeah, having some sort of plan for after graduation is a non-negotiable, but figuring out my entire life isn't.

So, I should be more present. Focus less on the long-term future and more on what will make me feel fulfilled now. Goal number one.

My pressure to figure things out is accompanied, if not directly ushered in by, my need to impress other people. As long as I can remember, I've felt a need to be impressive, to 'wow' others with my achievements. It is the motivating factor for much of what I do. In fact, at times, I have focused so much on being impressive that I have forgotten to even consider what I want to do or what would actually feed my soul. This is an exhausting and empty way to live. Still, that pressure is there.

So yes, I love traveling with my whole heart, but there's also a part of me that likes how impressive it is to other people. And yes, I think I may enjoy grad school, but laboring over getting into the best schools or forcing myself into the mindset that I have to attend it directly after my undergrad are rooted in my desire to impress others, to follow the 'right' path.

It's easy to tell myself to stop caring about impressing others, but it's incredibly difficult to implement this, especially when I have spent my entire life placing value on impressive achievements and an impressive reputation. And, over time, I have become accustomed to being high-achieving, feeling the need to accomplish more and more in order to feel the same 'achievement-high.'

So, goal number two is to stop chasing that high. Instead, through being present, I want to chase things that will make me more fulfilled now, whether they will look good on my resume or benefit my career later or impress others or do none of those things.

Two goals.

Be more present. Stop aiming to impress others.

I've told this to Sarah, and tonight Sarah told it to me; things will figure themselves out. Whatever the future holds, I will do well in it, and I will be happy in it. So, I should focus on what is impactful now, and let everything else sort itself out along the way. Things sort themselves out. The future will sort itself out.

Instead of trying to figure out or predict how it will go, I will focus on the present.

I will be more present. In doing this, I will stop aiming to impress others.

I will stop using impressiveness as the measurement of my endeavors. I will use my own wellbeing instead.

(At this point I'm manifesting these goals for my own sake, so Ally and the other two people who may read this you can stop at this point if you like.)

Two goals.

Focus on presence. Focus not on what is impressive but on what feeds my soul.

Two goals.

Be more present. Stop aiming to impress others.

Two goals.

Presence. Giving up impressiveness.

Just two goals.

Grateful for Shining Sarah (or LifeProof Sarah, depending on who you ask) and good conversations!