Blog #340: The Struggle

In honor of honesty and vulnerability, I'm just going to say it; I don't want to go back to Sioux City.

I am struggling really hard to find the motivation or inspiration to be excited about this coming semester, and mostly I just feel anxious about all the decisions and deadlines and projects that are looming. From the moment I step on campus tomorrow, it's going to be a whirlwind until graduation, and I just don't feel ready for it. There is already so much to do- the semester hasn't even started, and I'm already behind. I just want to graduate and have it all behind me.

That said, part of me feels guilty for wishing away my last year of college. I feel like I should be incredibly nostalgic and sentimental, but the thing is, I'm just not.

Instead of trying to force myself into feelings I think I "should" have, I'm trying to be okay with the ones I do, while still finding happiness and making great memories in this last semester. I think the cause of my eagerness to leave is the feeling that I've gotten out of Morningside what I was meant to get. I've learned and grown in the ways I was supposed to in this phase of my life. Now, I'm just biding time until I can move forward. It's like I'm stuck in this same routine when really what I'm longing for is the next adventure. Still, this doesn't mean I should shut myself out from positive experiences this last semester. I want to look back on it with good memories, so that means taking care of myself and being intentional about spending time with the people there I care about.

Currently, the struggle is real. I'm caught up in all of the reasons I don't want to go back to Sioux City. But, as my mom said, there is a positive lens through which I can view the situation, so I'll try. I guess at this point, that's the best I can do.