Blog #26: Me

Someone told me once that there are hundreds of different versions of myself that exist, each one entirely unique, as each version belongs to a different person who has ever known or currently knows me. My own version of myself based on my self-perception is merely one of these many versions, because even I’m not sure of exactlywho I am.

What a trippy thing to think about.

The part of this that really boggles my mind is the idea that even my own perception of myself is not a true testament to who I am as a person— it is merely a perception, not a truth. My idea of myself is probably highly idealized, filtered through the lens of who Iwant to be, as opposed to who I actually am. Piled on top of this is the self-doubt and self-consciousness I naturally feel at all times to some extent as a result of being a human person. Mix all this together, and I’m left with a perception of myself that is probably not actually accurate.

(Also, not to get all existential and stuff because that really isn’t the point of this post, but like… if even I don’t know who I am, and there are hundreds of ‘versions’ of me running around in other people’s minds, is there one true form of me that even exists…? If there isn’t… do I even exist? Or am I just an idea in a lot of people’s heads, including my own? Who am I? Whatam I?)

Anyway, putting that minor existential crisis aside, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my perception of myself as compared to others’ perceptions of me. I’ve had a number of spontaneous conversations with people throughout this trip, but for some reason especially in the last week or so, in which they have described me in a very particular way, all very similar.

These descriptions have revolved around the words self-assured, confident, strong, powerful, loud, noticeable, and most commonly, unapologetic. People have told me that I take up space, both literally and metaphorically.

I’ve been really honored to be called some of these things from so many unique and wonderful people, but I was also very surprised, and somewhat concerned, at a bit of it. Although I will admit I have a healthy dose of self-confidence, I also face a lot of self-doubt. I’m definitely not as self-assured as I apparently seem to be— I spend a lot of time thinking deeply about things without ever having the confidence to actually state my opinion. I used to think that I apologize too often!

Beyond this, I’m concerned that my unapologetic nature or my tendency to take up space crowds out others around me. Do these things mean that I’m an attention seeker? Am I too self-centered, or am I as conscious of others around me as I would like to think I am?

After asking myself if I thought these things were true, I started asking others. Most people simply validated the aforementioned list of “Kailyn qualities.” I wondered how so many people could perceive me as being loud or self-assured or unapologetic without me even being consciously aware that I’m doing those things or acting in that way. It’s weird to think that my idea of myself is perhaps not what I’m actually projecting into the world.

I also asked my family if they thought I was all of those things, and they said yes, but with a catch. My mother and sister teamed up to reach the conclusion that these traits which other people have been noticing so frequently are things that come naturally to me. It is inherently part of my personality to be unapologetic and to enjoy attention— that’s why I don’t really consciously notice these things. They’re just who I am, and I don’t have to put forth any effort to be that way.

On the contrary, the reason I feel so apologetic or unsure sometimes is because of a conscious effort to balance myself out. The truth is, I would be kind of a horrid person if I were so unapologetic and self-confident all of the time. Over time, I’ve begun to learn the importance of making space for others, being sensitive to others, etc. (which uncoincidentally came with the help of some situations in which I let my ego or unapologetic nature get the best of me). It is then because of my conscious efforts to be more forbearing, more apologetic, and less self-centered that I feel like those traits are a more accurate description of me. The fact that I have to think about doing those things puts them at the forefront of my mind, blurring my perception of myself.

The reality is, I know I am all of those things that people have said. I know I can be loud and visibly confident and unapologetic, and that these traits can carry a lot of good, as well as a lot of bad. I also know that because nobody else will ever experience my inner workings or know exactly what is going on inside my head, no person’s perception of me will ever be entirely accurate, and there’s no reason to try and prove myself, or who I think I am, to them.

The truth is, so long as I am extending kindness and acceptance to others, and not harming them in any way, their perception of me doesn’t really matter. I am the person I am, and to a certain extent, I believe this will never change. I can learn and grow and change over time, as I surely hope I will continue to do, but in the end, I’ll still be the Kailyn who is self-assured in spite of her doubts, who takes up space when she walks into a room. It’s who I am, and as opposed to changing who I am as a person, I think I’m going to stick with being unapologetically me.

Me: "What? I take up a lot of space?" Also me: