Blog #199: A Whirlwind

The year 2019 has been a whirlwind for me. Like... not to exacerbate the Dorothy/Wizard of Oz Kansas stereotype thing, but I literally feel like I got picked up in a tornado when 2019 started, and I still don't really know where I'm going to land.

Let me explain.

After the clock struck 12 on January 1, 2019, I had approximately two weeks before I left the country for nearly half the year. This time period was filled with visa-related anxiety, special immunization appointments, excessive paperwork, etc. It was one of the most stressful periods of my life, and everything seemed to fly by in the midst of the stress and anxiety. Before I knew it, I was being dragged out of bed at 3am to get to the airport in time for my flight.

Then, I lived in India for over four months.

I... lived in India... for over four months...

To this day it's still difficult for me to believe sometimes. Although it was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I was intentional (independently, but also through the help of my incredible friends there) about taking time to slow down and be present, now that it's only a memory, it feels almost like a blip in the midst of my day-to-day life. I think about it every single day, but my time there went by faster than anything else I've ever experienced— it was, and continues to feel like, a whirlwind.

After India, I hopped on over to Germany, then to Ireland, then back to Germany.

In all I was in Europe for only two weeks, and I spent time with five of my closest friends in existence (one of which was my own sister). Only getting a few days with each friend ensured my time seemed to go by faster than the snap of a finger, and thus, even more of a whirlwind.

After finally returning to the States, I wasn't even home for two weeks before I packed up and moved again, this time to Chicago. Amidst my personal housing crisis and the chaos that often was my internship, time there was flying before I even had the chance to settle in. And, before I was really settled in, I was gone again. Two months goes by pretty fast when you're working full time and living in the city. I was literally in Chicago nine days ago, but it already feels as far away as India.

To the disappointment of my parents and myself, I was only home for 2.5 days before packing up yet again and moving to Iowa for my last year at Morningside. I arrived at 11pm on Wednesday, and started working at 8am on Thursday. Everything since that point has been a nonstop "go." In fact, everything since 2019 began has been a nonstop "go."

Hence, this year has been a whirlwind.

Lists help give me a sense of mental clarity, so pardon me for a moment while I make a list.

Countries I've been in this year: the United States, India, Germany, and Ireland.

Cities I've been in this year: Osage City, Bangalore, Alleppey, Kochi, Rishikesh, Mysore, Delhi, Agra, Varanasi, Frankfurt, Berlin, Munich, Erlangen, Dublin, Galway, Belfast, Chicago, Sioux City, and seemingly all the suburbs in between.

I'm really grateful for this year. It has been incredible, and I wouldn't change a minute of it. Still, it doesn't change the fact that it has been a whirlwind.

When I think about this, part of me is a little upset with myself for allowing it to feel like a whirlwind, as if I sat back and watched as everything simply happened to me. I started this blog to make myself more present every single day! I have been limiting my time on my phone and trying to take more time to connect with others, as well as with myself and my surroundings! I thought that if I learned anything in India, it was about slowing down, so how can I be sitting here feeling like time has done nothing but move even faster?!

I don't really know. I don't have an answer for myself.

I have a notion that I actually am being more present, and being here in my day-to-day stops me from dwelling on my time in India or Chicago or Europe. I was there then, and I'm here now. Compartmentalizing those experiences into the "memory" part of my brain makes them feel even more distant, which makes me feel like time is moving even faster.

Also... this year just has been a whirlwind. There's no way around it. I've done a lot, and I haven't given myself a lot of time to "reset" in between. No amount of intentional presentness can take away from the fact that I have been hopping from place to place.

And, in the end, I suppose that by saying this year has been a whirlwind, what I'm really getting at is that I haven't felt truly grounded once this year. Everywhere I've been has been temporary, with a clear end in sight. This lack of permanence can be exhausting, and even blinding in a way. Where there's a clear end, there's also a clear beginning of whatever is next. Whether intentionally or not, I've adopted a "finish line" mentality because of this, where I often concentrate on reaching the finish line of my current location, rather than looking below at where my feet are actually treading.

It's hard to focus when you're running, and boy, has this year been a marathon.

Again, I want to reiterate that I'm so incredibly grateful for every amazing opportunity I've experienced so far this year. It has been unbelievable in the best ways possible, and I think about how lucky I am every day. Still, I think that I owe it to myself and others to be honest about my experiences, and to not gloss over the "less favorable" aspects of my lifestyle. It can be difficult, and it can leave you feeling uprooted. At least, at times, this has been the truth for me.

Would I trade this year for anything? Probably not. Does that change the fact that it's been a heck of a whirlwind? Not at all.

Here you can see some physical effects of living in a whirlwind.