Blog #15: Exhaustion

I’m tired. The kind of tired you feel deep down in your bones, where not even a good night’s sleep could really shake it. This is the kind of tired that makes me feel dim, in more ways than one.

There are a multitude of reasons behind my tiredness— I am physically active to a much higher extent than I am back home, I am meeting new people every single day, I am still learning how to navigate an entirely new culture, I’m filling up every waking minute with new opportunities and plans, etc. Although these are all amazing experiences that I am so grateful for, they’re still exhausting. Add to this the incessant noise, new sights, smells, and spicy flavors that make India India, and I’ve got a whopping case of sensory overload. My body and mind literally just can’t cope with all of the new things they are being presented with on a daily basis.

Being this exhausted makes me sad. I feel like I’m not putting my best foot forward, whether in social situations or in the classroom, and I fail to be as present with people as I want to be. I am not my authentic self. This feels like I’m not only letting myself down, but that I’m letting my friends down too.

I also feel dumb when I’m this tired. It’s difficult for me to focus in class, let alone contribute to discussions. I feel like I can barely write— the words just won’t come to me. The time I need to mentally process something is elongated, and the joy I find in deep, analytical thinking is stifled.

Perhaps the worst part about all of this is the guilt I feel for being this tired. Traveling is something that rejuvenates me! I’m lucky enough to experience this opportunity, and all I can do about it is feel tired? For some reason, my natural inclination is to scold myself for feeling this way, even though it’s a completely justified feeling. I don’t want to waste a minute here in India, and yet, this is exactly the sentiment that has led to my exhaustion in the first place.

Because of my desire to not ‘waste’ a single moment here in India, I have said yes to almost every opportunity that has come my way. Dinner with friends? Sure.A particularly heavy course load? Bring it on.A trip to a market on the other end of town? Heck yeah.

Although I don’t regret a single one of these experiences, as they have helped form amazing memories and relationships, I also know in retrospect that saying yes to almost everything has led me to this point of exhaustion. As I am wont to do, I dove headfirst into everything surrounding me, failing to find any sort of balance between new opportunities and self-care. I know better, yet I did it anyway.

It is easy now to sit here and say that I will use this weekend to recharge, and be better next week. It will be even easier to fall into old habits of trying to do everything despite me noticing myself run out of steam. What steps will I take to try and find some balance? Good question. I’m open to any recommendations. Now, for the time being, I’m going to sleep until I can’t sleep anymore. Good night, friends.

This is an entirely unrelated photo, but it was also maybe the best pasta I've eaten in my life, so it's worth mentioning.