Blog #12: Makeup

I have always had a weird relationship with makeup. The first time I ever wore it, my older sister Mariel basically had to strap me down to put it on me. I was writhing around so much that she “couldn’t help” but stab me in the eye with the mascara wand multiple times, and even though she’ll still deny it, I imagine at least a couple of times it was on purpose.

Mariel was putting makeup on me for a band concert I had that night, where I’d be playing flute for the Osage City Middle School band. When she was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror, and hated it so much that I nearly cried. But, of course, knowing the Robert family, we were running late for the concert, and I had no option but to run out the door with my face painted.

From the moment I walked into the school, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, and sensing my fear, that’s exactly what everyone seemed to do. They didn’t just look at me; they confronted me about my new look. Many people said I looked “beautiful” or “lovely,” some others just asked me point blank why I would wear makeup like that. Regardless of what people said, each comment made me want to retreat further and further into seclusion where nobody would see me ever again. I was mortified.

It wasn’t long after that incident that I started to wear makeup every single day. I would spend nearly an hour every morning making sure that my hair and makeup were perfect (at least as perfect as a 12-year old’s standards can be), and continued this habit well into college. Makeup became a security blanket for me, and I loved and hated it for that reason. The hassle of putting it on every morning nearly drove me mad, yet I refused to be seen without it. No makeup meant no pictures, no leaving the house, no visitors.

At the time, what I somehow didn’t realize is that makeup wasn’t just a security blanket— I had let it become part of my identity. My outward image became so intertwined with my idea of myself that I almost thought I wouldn’t be the same person without perfect hair and makeup. And, even if I knew this wasn’t true, I imagined that from other people’s point of view, it was. After being ‘Kailyn who always has her hair and makeup done’ for so many years, I thought that people could never see me or treat me the same without it.

Doing a full face of makeup every day for somewhere around eight years got really tiresome. Actually, I freaking hated it. So, when I decided I would spend a month alone in Guatemala studying Spanish, I also decided that I would go that month without wearing makeup. I saw this as an opportunity to start over, with no expectations from anyone around me (even if those expectations were mostly just made up by myself). If I could ‘start over’ alone where nobody ever saw me wearing makeup, then I would feel more comfortable without it. This method worked!

During my month in Guatemala, I wore makeup a total of three times, which merely consisted of a swipe of mascara. This was a very big deal for me. Although many may not understand it, it was actually huge. For the first time in years, I felt not just comfortable, but confident with no makeup. I was happy just being me. Foolishly, I thought that I could return home and maintain the habits I had established in Guatemala. Obviously, it was not that easy.

Immediately upon returning, I felt pressure to present myself in the way I did prior to leaving for Guatemala, yet I also felt pressure to be more honest with myself and with others around me. I began wearing makeup again on a daily basis, but in a much more minimal way than before. Instead of spending 45 minutes on it, I would spend 10 minutes, max. For a while, this suited me, but again, I started to tire of wearing makeup at all. It didn’t feel like me anymore, yet I didn’t feel like I could be me without it. I decided to ‘start over’ again in India, where nobody would know me.

Now, after being here for three weeks, I must say that I’m still not completely decided. I’ve gone many days without makeup, but I have gone likely as many days with it. Part of me feels guilty when I wear it— like I’m somehow betraying myself. Another part of me recognizes that I am free to express myself however I wish, and if makeup helps me to feel more confident, there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Additionally, the makeup I do wear is incredibly minimal, which makes me feel like I am still portraying an authentic version of myself when I wear it.

My journey with makeup has been a reflection of my journey through self-confidence, and it is a journey that I’m still on. Looking back, I realize that makeup itself was never inherently bad, but when used as a crutch or a security blanket, it had damaging effects on me and my psyche. In many ways, makeup is connected to feelings of shame and inadequacy for me, which is why I have struggled so much to find a balanced, positive relationship with it. Despite this, I know that my image does not define me as a person— with or without makeup, I am the same Kailyn with the same values, relationships, and worth. I will wear makeup when I feel the desire, and when I don’t, I won’t. For me personally, I find that confining myself to a set of rules is an easy way to feel bad about myself, which is why I will choose to go with the flow, and do my best to stop obsessing over my image. After all, there are so many wonderful things I am surrounded with that are far more important.

Dorky but makeup free.