Blog #105: Alonely

As I sit here alone in a coffeeshop in Frankfurt, I’m just kind of a mess. I’m on the verge of tears for like a million reasons, and I could start crying at the drop of a hat. I’m all sorts of confused and nostalgic and sad and I just don’t know.

This morning I said farewell to my partner in crime, Sarah, who was the first person I met on my trip to India. I didn’t make it far in my journey (in fact, only to Chicago) before I heard the legendary “YO! USAC?!” that started our friendship. Although she extended that ~eloquent~ greeting to many others, I was the only one it really stuck to, and our friendship only grew from that point forward. I could recount so many details of that day- Sarah sitting and eating a salad and a sandwich simultaneously, explaining to me that her mom said she needs to eat and even though she wasn’t that hungry she knew she needed to eat too, taking turns watching each other’s luggage as we used the bathroom, saying goodbye as we boarded the plane and hello again when we landed in Frankfurt, etc. I remember a lot from that day, but at the time, I had no idea meeting Sarah would be so significant. Four months later, as we said goodbye at 7am before she left to catch her flight to Croatia, we sobbed over our separation. And, after I returned to my bed, I stifled my sobs in an attempt to not wake up anyone else in my hostel room.

Although the majority of my sadness was due to saying farewell to such a dear and close friend, wrapped up in it was also the fact that, in saying goodbye to Sarah, I was officially saying goodbye to India, and everyone who could relate to my time there. No matter how excited I am to see family and old friends, none of them will understand exactly what I went through in my four months in India. So, in saying goodbye to my last USAC friend, I also said goodbye to understanding, to a sense of comfort associated with our shared experience.

And not to say I told you so, but I’m crying in this cafe now. 

The thing is, I like traveling alone. I enjoy spending time with myself and going on adventures with no responsibility to anyone but myself. I crave independence. One of my favorite things to tell people is that I may be alone, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. But, as I sit here alone in Frankfurt, I’m actually feeling pretty lonely. Nobody here understands my shock at how cold it is here, or my sense of surprise that there’s toilet paper in the public bathrooms and that the floors aren’t covered in water. I’m in a world which used to be so normal and comfortable to me, and now I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb. I’m in a strange period of transition and heightened emotions, and from this point forward, I’m alone in it. 

As ridiculously lucky and excited as I am to spend the next two weeks in Europe connecting with old friends, I fear I am still going to feel a bit lonely. It’s isolating to live such a drastically different life for four months, only to return to a place which should hold a certain level of familiarity and find that it doesn’t. It’s hard to live four months seeing certain friends every single day, only to part ways not knowing when we will ever see each other again. It’s intimidating to try to find the right balance between dwelling in the recent past and moving on to the next adventure, all of which is magnified by a lack of understanding from the people around me. Ugh. 

So yeah, today I said goodbye to Sarah, I said goodbye to India, to USAC, to understanding and a sense of comfort and to the past four months of my life. India is now only a memory. And, as I’m sitting alone in a coffee shop, I'm experiencing a feeling which is rather rare for me; loneliness. 

P.S. I’m crying again hahaha the people in this cafe probably think I’m really not okay.