Blog #103: Crying in a Cab

Today is the day. Well... it's 2:02am and when I say today I really mean yesterday at like 11pm, but I also mean today because it's today now. You get the point. Anyway, todays are the day.

I finally packed up my apartment, and got my suitcase to riiiiight under 50 pounds. I cleaned out under my bed and decided what to leave behind and said goodbye to a lot of friends. Even though I've been pretty at ease with my time in India coming to an end, this didn't make the goodbyes any easier.

As Sarah and I rolled through Bangalore traffic one last time on our way to the airport, holding hands and silently sobbing, it began to sink in that my time here really is over. It doesn't feel like four months have passed here, but damn... they did.

Part of me thinks I should sit here in this airport waiting area and write a final post to India, encapsulating everything the past four months has been. The other part of me knows I've done this already as a part of writing a blog every single day, and anyway it's 2:10am now and I'm tired. There's no right answer, there's nothing I need to do or owe anyone, so I'll just write what's on my mind.

Lately, I've been struggling with recognizing the changes and growth I've undergone in the past four months. Although I know I have changed in many ways, it's been hard for me to give myself credit for it. In a lot of ways, I feel like the same old Kailyn doing the same old thing. I'm not an entirely different person, and I can't pinpoint one EXACT thing that I've changed about myself.

But, after all, change and self-growth is not a straight path with one singular destination. There is no such thing as becoming a patient person who is always patient and never falters. Being open-minded is not an achievement on a video game that I can unlock or whatever by completing all the right tasks (also I have no idea why I chose that analogy because I have no clue how a single video game works). All of these characteristics, these goals of self growth, are only, and will only ever be, a journey with no destination. There are no absolutes in this field, which is probably why I struggle with it.

So, because I cannot quantitatively measure the changes I have undergone or the growth I have worked to achieve, I doubt their existence in the first place. Intellectually I KNOW I have changed in many ways, but it's just hard to identify.

That being said, I'm a more patient person because of India. I am better at going with the flow and rolling with the punches. I am MUCH better at asking for help, and have allowed myself to become more vulnerable. I have learned to take time for myself, and to indulge in hobbies. Even though this is still a major work in progress, I have worked on only saying yes to things I really want to say yes to. I have practiced presence, self-reflection, and letting go of doing things simply because they will be considered impressive or look good on my resumé.

And, anyway, I don't have to justify this to anyone. It's just a nice reminder to myself, and getting it in writing is a nice exercise to solidify these changes in my mind, to make them more concrete in my consciousness. I HAVE changed considerably in these past four months in India, and for that I am grateful. What I'm not grateful for? Leaving, and more particularly, leaving behind all of the people who molded and shaped my time here. I am grateful for each and every one of them, and as I passed the familiar neighborhoods of B-Town this final time, they're the reason I was crying in a cab.