Blog #30: Being Alone

I really love being alone.

As much as I enjoy spending time with friends, family, and even strangers, I crave the opportunity to spend a few hours, or even a day, completely by myself. This can be difficult to explain, especially to people who I care deeply about. It’s not that I don’t enjoy their company, it’s just that I also enjoy my own and I need some time to do that.

More than anything, taking time to be with myself is a sort of reset for me. It recharges my personal battery! After being alone, I am more present with others, I enjoy their company more, and I am a better version of myself. Really, being alone helps me be better at not being alone.

Writing that, I realize it sounds like I am very much an introvert. Yet, most people who have met me would probably assume that I am an extrovert— in fact, many people have proclaimed that assumption directly to me. In reality, I think the most accurate description of myself is as an extroverted introvert. I have extroverted tendencies, such as enjoying interacting with others, enjoying being the center of attention, and being rather gregarious in general, but these social aspects of me are often not where I draw my energy from. Instead, my energy comes from spending time listening to music alone, cooking by myself, or pursuing any number of creative outlets with no other company but me. Although being with others at times does energize me, this energy predominantly stems from spending time alone.

To me, this makes a lot of sense. To others, especially those who know mostly the social and gregarious side of me, my desire to spend time alone can be difficult to understand. Many people assume that I would never choose to be alone, so I must feel lonely and isolated when I am. In reality, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Despite this, I have many times let others’ expectations of me force me into an extroverted lifestyle while ignoring my need to spend time with myself to recharge. Even unintentionally, people surrounding me have pressured me to forego my introverted tendencies, and when I fall to these pressures, I find myself exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Recognizing my need for alone time, as well as acknowledging the times when I am in need of it most, has been a process. Actually allowing myself to take that time, which constitutes saying no to friends and plans that I know I would enjoy, has been an even more difficult process. Naturally, it is something I’m still not great at. Still, I’m working on it.

So, if anyone has ever felt hurt that I have chosen to spend time with myself instead of them, I ask for understanding. It’s not you, it’s me! And for anyone who has ever thought I must be lonely, remember that just because I’m alone it doesn’t mean that I’m lonely. In reality, I’m probably enjoying my own company quite a lot.

P.S. Kendrick Lamar has this one quick line in DNA. that I always think of where he says "antisocial extrovert" and I totally feel that except the opposite, because I'm more of a "super social introvert." This in no way changes my love for Kendrick though.

Super Social Introvert